:: Our Best Day ::

I had the best day that I’ve ever had with my stepdaughter in the 12 years I’ve been in her life 🌟

I had some familiar, hot feelings that were super deep this morning. I felt them out. I processed them. I had a wonderful conversation with my dearest sister friend that totally set me up for the release ✨💗✨

First, I visited Madeline in her room. I got her water and opened up the curtains a little and talked to her like a plant 🌱 She died laughing 1.

Then I invited her to come talk about her feelings with us (totally straight faced) – that we were watching Inside Out and learning about our feelings 🎭 Again, she died laughing 2.

After the movie, I spent my entire afternoon struggling through a craft project for Madeline’s mom’s birthday today. Things weren’t working, but we were laughing and joking and so present with each other ✨

My favorite part was when she was sarcastically melting down and I looked at her, dead, straight in the eyes and said, “You do realize I’m doing this for my husbands ex-wife, right?”

She died laughing 3. “Mic drop, that was amazing,” she said.

We laughed. “I kid, I kid. I’m doing this for you, M.”

How do you find acceptance? You feel the feels and create the magic. You remain honest. You do exactly what my Nahko Bear has always told me to do…

“Don’t waste your hate

Rather gather and create

Be of service, be a sensible person

Use your words and don’t be nervous

You can do this, you’ve got purpose

Find your medicine and use it”

And that’s what I did ✨I helped Madeline create gifts for a woman who I let control my life for 12 years 🎉🎁🖤

On her 40th birthday, I wish Amy love. I hope she goes to sleep feeling loved and that she wakes up happy to face another day. I hope she savors this sweet/bitter/magical world we live in. That she finds the strength to deal with her karma and continues to search for her center.

These are things I hope for all of us 💖

I just can’t hate anymore. It’s too consuming.

😊🚪💫

:: 21 Day Challenge :: Why I Did It

I believe that people come into our life for a reason. For us, them and all the connected people. I believe each and every one of us has a purpose.

I met Ashley over 6 years ago, but we never totally connected until I left corporate America and started searching for my purpose in 2016.

I’ve always been in awe of her chosen profession and the pressure associated with it. The sacrifices she makes serving our community are tough on her and her family. She was superhero strong to me before she even started at the gym. I have a tremendous amount of respect for our first responders. All of them. Huge. Thank you all 🙏🏼

Ash has watched me suffer over the past couple years. She’s always talked about the gym, but never shoved it down my throat. I went to watch her for a bit at her Endeavor challenge last year because I was so proud of her hard work.

This year has been tough on me. Mid thirties are tough. Husband, kids, dogs, money, family, people, places, things… the struggle is so real. I’ve been sad for awhile. Out of alignment. Big time.

On May 8, my emotions pinned me to the floor and struggled to get back up. I texted Ash and told her I wasn’t comfortable with my thoughts anymore. She called me and we talked. She gave me straightforward answers to my emergency medical help questions. She did not fluffy sugarcoat anything. That’s what I needed.

Ashley committed to helping me however she could. She mentioned the gym. I told her I’m willing to do anything to help myself, but that I was very scared.

Somewhere between May 8 and May 20, Ashley tagged me in the 21 day challenge post and sent me a text about maybe signing me up for something. Sneaky sneaky. But I had to do the work to sign up. She didn’t force me. It all unfolded and I committed.

Ashley told me what class to schedule. She picked me up in my woods. She introduced me to her people. She literally shepherded me around for 3 weeks. She really is the ultimate gym buddy. If she couldn’t help me, she left me in someone’s hands. I am her little lamb 😂 I trusted her every move. I knew I wasn’t going to die because she’s a professional at saving lives and I just needed to do the things.

So yeah. I cried for help. Metaphorically I called 911. Ashley came, scooped me up and gave me a taste of her chosen medicine. It’s working on me right now. It’s so good on so many levels.

I learned that the gym is not just the building where you workout, it’s where community is built. It’s like a church or temple – where you all go for a common purpose, regardless of your struggles, you go to become a better version of yourself. Sometimes you pray to the high heavens that the timer buzzes soon. It’s where egos are both killed and tickled. Where energy is shared and people sweat. A lot.

I signed up for a membership after my 21 day challenge. I can’t stop because of the momentum and I won’t stop because of my drive 💥👊🏼💥 Stepping out of your comfort zone is the hardest thing ever. It’s been a ride and I’m going to keep stepping.

The first step in changing your life is to change your environment. I had to be removed from the comfort of my woods to make the changes I needed to help better myself.

It wouldn’t have happened without Ashley and I’m forever grateful. Thank you, girl 🙏🏼 You know I got you. In all the ways.

People come into our lives for a reason. I only hope I can pay it forward and help someone like Ashley has helped me. I’ve got goals 💖☠️💜

:: 21 Day Challenge :: End of Day 11

I gotta say, today was a good day 😊

I soaked in a cold bath this morning because we were out of hot water 🤦🏻‍♀️ I breathed through it. It’s time to shut the wood burner down, but for now, it’s gotta stay lit. My oldest prince re-lit the fire and was so stinking proud of himself. Sensitive and primitive. That’s my boy ❤️🔥

Double doozie on the next adventure – we met sissy for lunch (we don’t restaurant often at all) AND I ate a 1/2 of a chicken Caesar wrap. Why is this crazy?!

1. Hanging out with Madeline is new for me. 12 years into her life, every other week, and I’ve never been present with her spirit. But I show up with so much love all the time because I just can’t contain it anymore. Hard, rewarding work. And go figure, she really likes the real me 💖

2. That girl got me to eat Caesar dressing today – something that I have not eaten in years. I don’t do fish (no allergy, it’s all in my head). If 16 year old M can do it, I can! I even ate the tomatoes (something I don’t eat. I don’t like the texture maybe?!) Out of my comfort zone, once again.

Back at home, I went out to pick up the front yard so I could mow. I love mowing! I found a dead bird ☠️🐦 The boys came over and we spent a lot of time with death and the transfer of energy. I love these convos, especially with kids. Grey was so brave, holding it while jumping at every twitch anyone made. He was so nervous. I talked him through it until he was done 💜 We walked the bird back to Carcass Corner, not laying it to rest, but laying it out for whatever animal needs its energy. The circle of life. It’s a thing.

I napped for 3 hours after Adam got home, surfaced for a minute in the family room, then found myself in the second epsom salt soak of the day 😌 Lots of life today. It was a good day 💖

:: When One Door Closes ::

I held the refrigerator door open for a man at the grocery store tonight. I giggled and told him I didn’t want to squish his head ☺️

He told me not to worry – he’s survived 3 closed head injuries and the door couldn’t hurt him.

I smiled and told him I’m so happy that he’s here standing in front of me and it’s nice to see his smile.

He told me he’s here because of Jesus. That he fought until finally surrendering in 1994.

I smiled warmly and told him I think that’s wonderful.

He asked me if I liked jerky and pulled out a bag from his pocket. He said he makes it with hotdogs and they aren’t on sale anymore.

I thanked him kindly and told him to have a beautiful evening. I watched him wander through the store, chatting with himself as people backed away from him.

I held the “jerky” with gratitude. I took a deep breath. He slowed me down after leaving my house angrily. He centered me. He reminded me to hold onto my faith, not asking or judging me for what I believe in, but proudly speaking of his savior. A reminder to love harder than ever.

No, I didn’t eat the jerky. I loved it though.

:: Good Grief ::

I’m soaking in my second bath in less than 12 hours under the full moon. I’m resting better every night. I actually made it through night 3 and was given the chance to wake up to day 3. That’s not only an accomplishment, but a blessing as well. I just opened my eyes and I’m already winning!

Greyson is going back to school today so it’s going to be me, Corby and Frank – the new daytime trio here at Chateau Briggs.

I’ve got anxiety over the continued sadness. It’s like I want to force it to stop but I can’t. No one can on the earth. Only a higher power can carry me through this and I’ve got to trust that.

I’ve been trying to put my sadness in a box, but I’m going to try to give it some space instead. Then, as soon as all the light reaches the sadness, I’ll let it go. Just like I do with my roses.

Recently, the fullest, most beautiful rose in my vase caught my eye. I held it and admired it for awhile. I even took selfies with it 🙂 After a few days, just like all the other roses, it began to wilt. I appreciated it as the most beautiful flower. When it was time, I carefully dried it out, separated its petals and sent it back to the earth with the most loving intention.

Feel it, give it space and let it go. That’s life. The good and the bad. Everything comes to an end and the end means the beginning of something new.

It’s all for a higher purpose, but growing pains are real and I’m exhausted. Thank goodness we’re never given more than we can handle.

Coffee/tea/water vessels up! Cheers to making it this far. I am pretty proud 💖

::step 1: take off your shoes::

You’ve got to feel it all. Every single rock, blade of grass, grain of wood. Let your feet touch the surfaces they were meant to.

Stop. Be perfectly quiet. Now listen, really listen to your body. Sometimes it’s telling you to move, to run, to dance. And sometimes it’s telling you that it’s time to be still, to feel your breath, to become aware of your senses again. Dare to do nothing for a moment, and let your body fill the silence. For only when you truly listen will your next step be the right one.

So I took off my shoes. Now I’m standing here getting ready to change everything about my life. The way I move, eat, think, look, spend money, spend time. It’s a whole lot of change at once. Change needs to be made and change is going to happen. I am committed and excited. I am surrounded by an amazing support system and can’t wait to see who I am going to chisel out of this facade. I want to live a truly happy life.

I took off my shoes. Literally starting from the ground up, I’m creating a better me by simply listening to my body and feeling the earth under my feet. Even when I step on a pokey rock and start to miss my shoes, I’ll be smiling through it all.

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