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:: When One Door Closes ::

I held the refrigerator door open for a man at the grocery store tonight. I giggled and told him I didn’t want to squish his head ☺️

He told me not to worry – he’s survived 3 closed head injuries and the door couldn’t hurt him.

I smiled and told him I’m so happy that he’s here standing in front of me and it’s nice to see his smile.

He told me he’s here because of Jesus. That he fought until finally surrendering in 1994.

I smiled warmly and told him I think that’s wonderful.

He asked me if I liked jerky and pulled out a bag from his pocket. He said he makes it with hotdogs and they aren’t on sale anymore.

I thanked him kindly and told him to have a beautiful evening. I watched him wander through the store, chatting with himself as people backed away from him.

I held the “jerky” with gratitude. I took a deep breath. He slowed me down after leaving my house angrily. He centered me. He reminded me to hold onto my faith, not asking or judging me for what I believe in, but proudly speaking of his savior. A reminder to love harder than ever.

No, I didn’t eat the jerky. I loved it though.

:: Good Grief ::

I’m soaking in my second bath in less than 12 hours under the full moon. I’m resting better every night. I actually made it through night 3 and was given the chance to wake up to day 3. That’s not only an accomplishment, but a blessing as well. I just opened my eyes and I’m already winning!

Greyson is going back to school today so it’s going to be me, Corby and Frank – the new daytime trio here at Chateau Briggs.

I’ve got anxiety over the continued sadness. It’s like I want to force it to stop but I can’t. No one can on the earth. Only a higher power can carry me through this and I’ve got to trust that.

I’ve been trying to put my sadness in a box, but I’m going to try to give it some space instead. Then, as soon as all the light reaches the sadness, I’ll let it go. Just like I do with my roses.

Recently, the fullest, most beautiful rose in my vase caught my eye. I held it and admired it for awhile. I even took selfies with it 🙂 After a few days, just like all the other roses, it began to wilt. I appreciated it as the most beautiful flower. When it was time, I carefully dried it out, separated its petals and sent it back to the earth with the most loving intention.

Feel it, give it space and let it go. That’s life. The good and the bad. Everything comes to an end and the end means the beginning of something new.

It’s all for a higher purpose, but growing pains are real and I’m exhausted. Thank goodness we’re never given more than we can handle.

Coffee/tea/water vessels up! Cheers to making it this far. I am pretty proud 💖

:: This Week ::

It’s not a normal week. The season of change is definitely in the air.

Driving with Corbin on Monday afternoon, I spent some time with an 83 year old man in my head 20ish minutes before he was struck and killed by a car. “Good for him for getting out of the house and going for a walk. It’s crazy how two men with many years between them are both walking down the same road. Where is he going? Is he safe?”

I passed him again as I was going home, this time his body was laying against the curb, covered in a purple blanket. I wanted nothing more than to go be with his body – to comfort him as he was laying there all alone.

Two hours later I seen a bald eagle perched in a tree on I-96. He was gorgeous! I kind of have a thing for birds of prey and this guy blew me away as he was watching humans rush around in the setting sun.

Tuesday I silently celebrated my dad’s 4 year anniversary of his triple bypass. That’s a scary surgery. We’re beyond grateful for the doctors that assisted in diagnosis and the procedure to extend his life. Every single day truly is a blessing.

Wednesday came with heavy emotions. It’s time to say goodbye to my grandpa’s farmhouse as new owners take possession. I’m certain he’s happy they have horses and will make memories with their grandchildren, but my heart aches for the memories the house holds.

On the corner of Davison and Oak roads in Davison, sits a structure that has always been Switzerland in our family; it was neutral ground. It was a safe haven for all of us. It is no more. Our family is separated by judgement and emotions. A tragedy that happens to so family families, especially after the death of matriarchs or patriarchs.

Waking up to Thursday, when, a year ago I received a phone call that grandpa was entering active dying. I needed to decide how I was going to handle death with my then 6 year old. We figured it out and suffered better than I could ever imagine. It was that suffering that lead me to a call that I’m heeding ever so carefully.

Here we are. Tuesday, October 4, 2018.

Just like every other day, my main goal is to live in the very moment. I’ll do my best to send Greyson off to school with a positive attitude and to spend the day with Corbin learning, growing and not burning the house down. After school we’re going to say goodbye to the farm and I don’t even know what that entails. But it’ll happen and you can be certain that even through giant crocodile tears, I’ll be smiling through it all 😊🚪💫

::Synchronicities + A New Calling::

Loud. Strong. Apparent. Clear.

The signs are everywhere – animals, numbers, people, messages, etc. One thing after another. It’s all connected and there’s no denying synchronicity in the universe.

I’ve struggled for so long now, knowing I have a higher purpose to serve, but I have not been able to find my calling. I have an amazing husband, two beautiful procreations, a lovely home and a graphic design and marketing/communications degree. But something is missing.

I played corporate marketing for over 10 years. I poured my soul into a company who ultimately did me the biggest favor by eliminating my job. I was sent on my way to become a better me – to break my high heels, knot my hair and focus on more important things than money and material things.

It’s been almost two years since I left my old life behind. I spent a year walking in circles trying to figure out my next move. I didn’t get anywhere, really, but I was pushed by my higher self to try harder. It’s been a year since I started trying harder, making big changes to actually become a better me, knowing that I needed to focus on my self care game in order to figure out my true calling. I needed to move beyond my past to become present.

I made so many changes. Mind, body and soul style. I dreadlocked my hair. I met with a nutritionist. I started training with a natural movement coach. I started listening to spiritual talks. I started listening to music with lyrics that had messages and meaning. (I can’t lie – dirty rap will forever be a guilty pleasure 😉).

I started caring about this body of mine and the thoughts that filled my head. I learned about meditation. I learned about chiropractic care. I learned about spirituality. I learned about living in the present. Mindfulness. Wholehearted love. Inner peace. Mind over matter. The law of attraction. I “studied” this stuff every single day.

I slowly woke up.

I realized that I ignored a few issues until I was forced to face them.

One particular issue being my last surviving grandfather who I didn’t visit for 6 months as his health deteriorated. I didn’t see him until two days before he took his last breath. I didn’t leave his house those last two days and somehow I found the most amazing energy during that time.

It was the toughest thing I’ve ever done, helping him die. But along with my aunt, cousins and hospice care, we did it. I have no regrets. I’ll cherish every minute of those last two days with him for the rest of my life. I learned so much about death. About living and dying. About emotions. Energy. Family. Grief. Love and loss. It was pure transfer of energy, resulting in energy overload within me. Meditation the night of grandpa’s death was life-changing. We can talk about it one day if you’d like 😉

It’s been a little less than 8 months since my rendezvous with the process of dying and I can honestly tell you that I’ve never been so alive.

I’m picking up on signs from my guides on the daily. Maybe that sounds crazy, but I believe it.

So much fast forwarding until now. Here I am with this newfound calling as a death midwife/death doula/death walker because of the signs I’ve been given and the people on my path. The synchronicities that have brought me to this realization are too real to deny.

I’m immersing myself in what this means and I how I go about becoming a companion for those who are at the end of their physical life. It’s exciting! But just like anything, it’s a process. There’s so much to learn. People to talk to. Books to read. Certification programs. Volunteer hours. So much life to live to be the change I want to see in the world.

And that’s why I exist – to make a positive impact. To love hard. To shine bright. To help others smile through it all – the blood, sweat and tears. The sunshine and the rain.

I truly believe there is positive in all contrast, regardless how our current society feels. Death is a new beginning for everyone and it doesn’t have to be the worst day of your life.

I’m so blessed. It’s pretty ridiculous, actually. Even on the worst days, my life is so freaking good. I’m forever grateful for the people on my path to wherever I’m going 💛🙏🏼💖

::I had a meeting with Jesus::

There were 4 females physically present. Two of which have admirable faith in the Jesus Christ.

It was an uncomfortable, overdue conversation. There were a lot of feelings. There was a lot of energy to manage.

It was calm. Their words were pure kindness and truth, totally rooted in love. In peace. Jesus was present through these two earthly beauties as they brought love and kindness to our conversation through their love for Him.

I’m not a religious gal. Spiritual AF, but I’m not religious. Or maybe I am and my religion is love ✌🏻❤️🌈 I’m 100% down with our creator and live for the greater good on the daily. By the minute.

I don’t worship Jesus, but I totally respect him. Jesus loved so hard. I dream of loving so hard 💛 I will continue to try so hard 👊🏼 Unconditionally. Non judgmentally. Wholeheartedly.

All while smiling through it all 😊🚪💫

::I’ve been snoozing::

I haven’t been taking care of myself super great lately. Self care has been a sad story to tell. Busy isn’t an excuse and I’m not waiting until the new year to make changes. The time is meow.

I snoozed twice this morning, but after the second alarm, I 54321 put my feet on the floor and woke up. #the5secondrule

Stretchy stretchy. I moved my body in all sorts of ways. #selfcare

Laced my boots. Stepped into my snowshoes. Hit the trails.

5:30 am winter walks aren’t that bad. At all. I’m actually feeling as grounded as I’ve been in awhile. This is my new thing… until the seasons change and I can let my toes squish in the mud again 🙃

Make Monday as great as it will be out here in the woods!

✌🏼❤️❄️🌎✨

#smilingthroughitall #becomingabetterme #winterwalks #itsawonderfulworld #imjusttryingtogetsomewhere #scaredtotakethenorthtrail

::Chloe Nichole::

If my math is correct, Chloe has been with me for roughly 17 years. I’m 34. She’s been with me for half of my life.

Never mind the fact that I’m crazy allergic to her and I’m like, the worst cat Mom ever.

Homegirl has been deteriorating so quickly this past week. I’ve picked up on the dying vibe. She’s sick sick sick.

I haven’t played God with an animal in over 18 years. Pugsley was a good dog and I’ll never forget my heartache saying goodbye to that guy. It hurts now.

We’ve got until 5:30 pm tomorrow (Tuesday) to say our goodbyes to Chloe cat. She doesn’t deserve to suffer any longer.

Please hold Madeline, G and I close to your heart these next couple of days. Send us some sunshine (I’m running pretty low). Teaching your kids to suffer well is one of the hardest parenting things I’ve been dealt with. But I’ll do it until the day I die.

And just like LL Cool J, we’re doin’ it and doin’ it and doin’ it well 💛

#becomingabetterme #smilingthroughitall #chloenichole #fureverfriends #sufferingsucks #thesufferingisalmostover #thesufferingneverstops #changeyourperspective #sufferwell

::The right time to make a change::

• When the choices you are currently making are out of comfort causing legitimate stress on your body.

• When the commitments you make aren’t being fulfilled because you’re not operating as your best self.

• When rest is never long enough, regardless of the amount of hours with your eyes closed.

• When you’re working on your hip thrust crawl and you’re looking like a beached manatee trying to get back to the water.

• When you look in the mirror and struggle to look for too long because you’re not happy in your current state.

That’s when you know it’s time to make a change.

That time is now.

Cheers to new beginnings. There’s new highs to hit and lows to fall to, but like every other change I’ve made over the past couple of months, I know I’ll be smiling through it all. That’s what I do.

#becomingabetterme #smilingthroughitall #changeyourenvironment #changeyourbehavior #makeithappen

::how I wake up::

I’ve been working on establishing a morning routine since the beginning of October. Like, really giving it attention. As part of becoming a better me, I feel like I need to set myself up for a good day and give myself the time and attention I need to turn my mind and body on for the day. My madness has methods and lots of over-my-head science research that’s sparked my interest and has helped me make these changes. 
The way I see it, it’s about balancing your energy. Here’s how I do mornings (up until I wake up my kiddos):
Alarm rings at 4:55 am. The song that wakes Adam and I up is Vacation by the Dirty Heads 🎼🙌🏼 
We go all Mel Robbins style and “54321” get ourselves out of bed. I make a pot of coffee and head back to my bedroom for wakey up time. 
First thing is 7ish minutes of ground movement. I simply lay down and move my body. Rolling, stretching and connecting with each part. I listen to Aloha Ke Akua by Nahko and Medicine for the People while I get my body moving. 🌟🎼✨
Then it’s stand up time. 
I light a candle and turn my shower on cold. I start the song Die Like Dinoz by Nahko. Using all the courage and breath control I’ve got inside of me, I step in the shower. I focus on my breath while I listen to every lyric. Dragonfly (again, by Nahko) plays next. I don’t exit the shower until after Dragonfly has finished. The words make it so much easier 🙏🏼
Towel off. Get dressed. It’s nourishment time! 
I review the Four Agreements to nourish my mind while I fuel my body in the morning. 
Lately, my go to morning physical nourishment has been a swig of cod liver oil, two glasses of water, an apple, nuts and a handful of spinach. After all that has been ingested, coffee enters the scene. Mmmmmm coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. 🙏🏼💛☕️
I don’t love pushing myself every morning and it’s taken me moons to get to where I am. But I do love actually waking up to face the challenge of another day. Some people don’t wake up.

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